


What on Earth or Hell or Asgard, wherever we are, is this Story’s Title?

by SDAMm



Category: Original Work
Genre: Diners, Florists, Homicide, Original work - Freeform, Vegan Bakery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 16:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21479701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SDAMm/pseuds/SDAMm
Summary: I can't say much without spoiling, but trust me it's fun to read. You'll find out why soon enough"He turned the key around, and the door opened. The smell of flowers greeted him, like every morning. He went through the small shop and took in the smell of the roses, that was standing next to the counter. He set down his bag behind the counter and turned around to fix the sign over the counter. It was crooked every morning, he fixed, and the next day it was crooked again. He sighed. The bell rung. He heard steps, probably a woman, and as he just turned around, the young woman kissed him."
Kudos: 1





	1. Sorry

**Chapter 1**

_*huh*_

_Oh, damn it, not again…_

_You hear a thud as if somebody let themselves fall onto an armchair._

He was walking down the street, it was a nice day. The sun was shining and the birds where singing. He looked around; he liked this part of the way the most. Nobody was on the street, he took a deep breath and savoured the moment. As he was just walking by –

_What?!? No that can’t be! How late am I? No, no, no, the story started like five minutes ago. He is the protagonist, that’s simply not possible._

_Hey! Hey, you?! Yes, I mean you, duh. Haven’t you paid attention?! Is that guy the main character of this story? What do you mean, you don’t know, I thought you were paying atte – Of course I can read your mind, I am the fudging omniscient narrator, I can read the minds of everybody in the story, why wouldn’t I be able to read yours – So back to my question, what was that again, who is that guy and why didn’t you pay attention? Oh right, yeah, I’m supposed to tell you what happened… _

_Sorry again for being late, my car broke down this morning and I had to take the bus… Did you ever take the bus to work, ‘cause I’ll never do that again! Strange creatures, what do you call yourselves, humans? Strange huma- huh? Oh right, so… Strange people on this death trap at this time of the – what’s the word again? Ah- this time of the day._

_Sorry, I’m starting to ramble… So, back to the story, let’s see what happens. Maybe it all clears up in a sec_ _.._ _. Right then, where were we?_

As he was just walking by a crossroad, three men surged out of the dark Van on the side of the street. They attacked him simultaneously, and even though he was very good several kinds of fighting techniques, having trained them for several years, -

_Great! So, it looks like our protagonist is trained in combat, probably because of his job. Apparently, we are having a crime story or something similar. Maybe he’s a detective or so, why else would somebody hire three trained assassins to kill him?!_

… for several years, he couldn’t fight them of. As he was just preparing to throw a punch at the masked attacker in front of him, he felt a pain in his chest. He looked down, to see a huge knife sticking in his chest. He drew a last ragged breath, then his eyes fell shut and he hit the ground. The last thing he heard was the Van taking of with squealing wheels.

“Huuuuuh”, he took a long wheezing breath.

_Oh, so he’s an immortal or something like that, alright, paranormal subplot then._

He clutched to his chest, where the knife had been just seconds ago. But it wasn’t there, well, of course, the killers probably took it with them. Then realisation dawned, how on earth was he still alive?

_Wait, what? Oh, maybe his origin story, we’ll see._

He stood up and brushed the dust of his trousers. As he looked down, something was odd. The blood was missing. There was nothing on the ground, and his shirt was just as clean as it was when he had left his home this morning.

_Come on, not even a hint if he has a flat or a house, and what the hell is the deal with the blood, magic?!? This story is like the weirdest I had in quite some time. Remind me to never be late again._

He looked around as he picked up his bag, at least nobody had witnessed the scene, he wouldn’t want anybody to go into a mental hospital because of him. As he continued his way-

_What kind of a cop is he? That guy just got back from the dead and he continues to go to work as if nothing happened?!?_

…his way, he started thinking. Why did they attack him? What did three assassins want from a florist?

_What the actual fuck? A florist, what kind of freak story is this? And why are you here, I mean you have to know what this story is about, or you wouldn’t have chosen to spend your time here… So, what the fuck is this story? _

_Oh, so you don’t know? I can see you shaking your head absent-mindedly, I feel you, mate. I feel you! So, back to the heroic, or at least I hope he is, florist._

The rest of the short walk was like every day. He greeted Ms Higgins, who watered her flowers as per usual. Though he smiled and greeted everybody on his short walk, his mind was somewhere else, still thinking about the incident.

_Yeah, I’d hope so!_

**Chap** –

_What?!? Already the second chapter? We haven’t learned anything about that guy…_


	2. Let's see

**Chapter 2**

_Though we still don’t know shit about the story, here we are, Chapter 2… let’s see. At least we know that it is some kind of an origin story about a paranormal florist! Okay, listen, I know how that sounds, but I’m sure it’ll all fall into place. Did you see that… it WI**LL** A**LL** FA**LL**! Anyways, where was I?_

He turned the key around, and the door opened. The smell of flowers greeted him, like every morning. He went through the small shop and took in the smell of the roses, that was standing next to the counter. He set down his bag behind the counter and turned around to fix the sign over the counter. It was crooked every morning, he fixed, and the next day it was crooked again. He sighed. The bell rung. He heard steps, probably a woman, and as he just turned around, the young woman kissed him.

_Ah, great. So, he has a girlfriend or a wife. See, we’re getting somewhere._

He was completely startled. She stopped and took a step back. He looked at her, like a deer caught in the headlights… Who was she? Why did a stranger kiss him?

_The fuck is wrong with this story?!?!?!?!? If I’m not mistaken, you guys don’t just kiss each other right away? No, you say. Good! I think I’m going crazy, what even is this tale?! Trust me, I’ll never ever be late again._

“Who-? Who are you ma’am?” he asked, still completely puzzled.

“Oh, right, you really don’t know, do you? Well, you’ll find out sooner or later.” And with that, she was out of the door, as fast as she had been in.

_Oh, come on! Like, I know I am late, no need to show me that I don’t know anything… My nerves are raw, and the story didn’t even really start yet._

He just stood there, not knowing how to react. He closed his mouth, that was still embarrassingly wide open and fixed the last things on the counter. Could this day get any weirder?

_But little did he know it definitely would… _

_Is what I would usually say at this point, but I ain’t got a fucking clue how this story continues. Maybe the author just put all the weird in the beginning._

The rest of the morning was actually rather normal. Mostly women, some men and only small bouquets. Just before lunchtime, two men in a suit entered the shop. They were quite tall, both of them. Agents Collins and Gabriel, they had said.

“What can I do for you?” He asked, slightly concerned about what they wanted in his shop.

“Sir,” the taller one, Gabriel, said, “there has been a homicide in the shop on the other side of the street.”

“In the vegan bakery!?” He asked only slightly concerned, he always knew one could find the root of all evil in a vegan bakery.

“Yes, we wanted to know if you have seen or heard anything, yesterday between 8 and 10 pm?”, said the shorter man, Collins. If you can even say shorter, they were both freakishly tall.

“I’m sorry Agents, but I close my shop at 6.30. I left around 7.30, but the tattoo parlour next to the bakery is usually still open at that time of the day.” He answered.

“Well, thank you anyways, if you do remember anything, just give me a call,” the shorter Agent said and handed him a business card.

“Goodbye,” the other Agent said.

“Goodbye,” he greeted back.

“Have a nice day,” Collins said, and winked, or was that just his imagination…

He cleaned the counter and packed his stuff to close the shop for his break. Then, he lif-

_Okay, sorry but who wrote this damn story?!? Would it hurt to mention the protagonist's name from time to time??? Like, honestly, we are in the middle of the second chapter and I have no fucking clue how the protagonist is called. Let’s just call him Mr P from now on, alright? Great!_

Then Mr P lifted his bag onto his shoulder and strolled out of the shop. He closed and locked the door behind him and walked down the street towards his favourite restaurant. A small diner, that made some mean burgers.

_See, now we know Mr P’s favourite food, I think we’re slowly getting somewhere, at least with the basic character traits, not so much with the story itself._

As he entered, Joe, one of the waitresses, greeted him.

_What, we know the name of some waitress before we know his? Damn you, author!!! And yes, I did just raise my fist dramatically towards the sky, isn’t that how you’re supposed to do that? No, well I won’t stop doing things just because you say so!_

Mr P sat down in a free corner and only minutes later, Joe brought his usual burger, water and a cookie, she really was the best. While eating his burger, P thought about the incident in the vegan bakery.

_What the fuck is a vegan bakery. No, don’t answer, it was a rhetoric question, but still, who thought that a vegan bakery was what humanity needs? Who the fuck invented the VEGAN BAKERY?! Wait, let me just check Wikipedia – _

_ ._

_ ._

_ ._

_I couldn’t really find anything, but did you know Pamela Anderson is vegan?!_

Even though he couldn’t understand the concept behind veganism, he still wondered who’d kill the shop’s owner. As far as Mr P knew, she was a nice young lady, she would occasionally come over and buy flowers for the shop. Well, he didn’t see or hear anything. When Joe came to get his plate, he told her about it and that some agents were asking to find suspects. She was shocked, but he knew that Friday was her day off. So Joe also hadn’t seen anything.

_So, a homicide is part of the story after all. See, I’m not gonna say it, but I told you so… Maybe he investigates it. Oi, maybe the guys that attacked him earlier are the killers… I hope we’ll see the agents _ _Collin_ _s and _ _Gabriel_ _ again, they were kinda hot, weren’t they?_ _What?!? Oh, you can’t see them, can you? Well let me tell you they were really really gorgeous…_

_ It’s a little cold in here, isn’t it? I’ll just grab a blanket *a slap on the armrests of the chair* Do you want one? I don’t care, get your own if you do. *the armchair creaks a bit, a couple of steps, then silence, a couple of steps back, the creaking again.* _

_There we go, now it’s nice and cosy._

On his way back, another thought crossed P’s mind. What if he was supposed to be the second victim? Maybe somebody is killing all the shop owners in the neighbourhood. But why? Who would do that, and why? That just doesn’t make any sense.

_Damn right, it doesn’t make sense! The whole story doesn’t make sense!_

He thought about it the whole way back to the shop. Still savouring the day and relaxing before he opens for the afternoon customers.

_Well, that’s it for today. I won’t be late next time. Have a nice week…_


End file.
